I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize