I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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