remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
