when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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