His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
