i permit you to call me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize