i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
