he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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