I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize