Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
3 2 1 whiskey
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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