I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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