I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
