chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
