i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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