Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
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