Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
