I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
