it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
