No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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