I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
time to smoke my breakfast
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
