i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
