i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
you made out with another girl for some wings
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
