my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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