I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
