we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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