i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
