Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
