how can u be prego again
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
