I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We need a shit load of segways right now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
