i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
