You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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