My first STD was from a foam party
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
