I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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