my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
