Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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