I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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