i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize