don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
there is puke in my bra ... again
Dear god my vagina.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
