She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
