why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
