guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
