you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
