Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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