I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
