dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
