I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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