I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
