we're chasing vodka with high fives
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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