I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
