Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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