either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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