I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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