Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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