Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
