There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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