She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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