I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
