I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
