He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
