I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
