I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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