i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Two words: nipple clamps
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