I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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