I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
MIDGETS
????
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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