see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
