I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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