I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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