The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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