Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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