I swear she didn't look like that last week.
...so i touched it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
